Beyond the Scale: How I Stopped Hiding and Found Peace with My Body

My struggle with weight is something I would always want to convey to people. Every person who has struggles with weight might have a different story, but the struggle is one. Everyone might have found a way to reduce or might not. But what I want to convey beforehand in this blog is: It is fine to be whichever way you look. The societal standards just exist and need not be bothered.

My path to understanding this wasn't linear. It took years of trial, error, shame, and unlearning. This is my story.

The Subtle Creep of Self-Consciousness

When I was younger, I never had struggles with weight. It was normal, and I felt comfortable wearing any clothes. But by the time I became 13, my weight issues started. I started gaining weight. Thankfully, the people near me never made it a point to shame me with it, but sadly my relatives aren't like that. Some of them mentioned how my weight makes me look bad.

Obviously, it made me feel conscious:

The Daily Mirror Checks: I started looking at my belly daily in the mirror.
The Guilt and Shame: After eating anything heavy, I tried to avoid the feeling of shame and embarrassment that came along.
Hiding My Body: I used to tuck my belly in to avoid looking fat. I always tucked my T-shirt in as I thought loose dresses made me look fatter.

Despite this, I liked eating foods of any type. I used to eat samosas, cauliflower bajjis, banana bajjis, and I liked Kurkure and Lay's the most.

From 7th standard, I started joining tennis classes. Doing exercise daily helped decrease my weight and boosted my self-confidence—even though I still used to eat an egg bajji right before my tennis class! But my food habits were heavily on the unhealthy side.

When 10th standard came around, I had to study extensively for my CBSE exams, so I stopped attending tennis classes. This actually impacted me in two ways: one, I lost touch with a lot of friends in tennis class, and two, my weight started deviating again. For the next two years, I completely devoted my time to studies and slowly lost control over my food. I started eating anything that was tasty, and it definitely had a negative impact.

High School Nightmares and "Tomato Myths"

I became even more self-conscious. T-shirts became my number one nightmare as I felt I was looking very big. Whenever I ate food that I felt guilty about eating, I used to have stomach pains, yet my addiction didn't stop.

I hated looking at the mirror. I hated my face fat and kept on comparing it with my old photos. I even remember looking at a look-rating app and was shocked to see my age was judged as 30.

My exams finished and I got great marks, but my weight was done for—it had exceeded like 20 kg more than how it should be.

School Farewell: My school had a farewell, but I couldn't even wear my favorite clothes because I detested how I looked in them. The photos were another nightmare, though thankfully none near me brought it up. I am grateful for my friends and my family.
The Relative's Advice: I had a function to go to and wore a chudithar, as at that point the only thing I was comfortable wearing was chudithars. A relative judged me for my weight and told me to stop eating tomatoes! I really didn't know what tomatoes did in aiding weight gain. She was always judgmental, but on that day I wasn't able to think straight and worried I wouldn't be able to eat tomatoes anymore (though at least I know it is a myth now).

My mom encouraged me not to worry about it. Though she wanted me to eat healthy, she never shamed my body, which I am still grateful for.

However, my self-consciousness finally resulted in me becoming shy and socially anxious in college. During the first two years, I continued my food habits. In addition, my college had great snack stalls that made me crave more junk. I bought tasty snacks during every break. I stopped talking with people and became quiet, using having no school friends around as an excuse to look into my phone all the time.

The Turning Point & The Plateau Trap

So finally, what made me feel "this is it"? One fine day, I started having health issues that continued for four months. I went to the doctor, and the first word she told me was to reduce my weight (and I would pause here to say it was only the excess weight).

At that point, I thought I could reduce some for myself. I thought, "ok, let me do something for myself."

I looked at the internet. Of course, I was tempted towards fast dieting, but I was sure of one thing: if I was reducing it, it was never coming back. My knowledge was pretty much zero at the start, so I just thought of avoiding junk food completely, even outside food. I started researching, eating home-cooked food (which turned out to be very tasty!), and exercising watching YouTube videos.

Weight loss started to happen. But near some weight like 62 kg, my weight got stuck. Despite doing everything, it wasn't reducing. I got scared and started eating less, which I shouldn't have done. Later, as I focused on my studies and stopped overthinking it, it reduced down to 50 kg during the lockdown. Eating healthy had simply become a habit.

The Illusion of the "Ideal Weight"

Weight loss brought a lot of changes. I started wearing my favorite dresses, and the fact that they looked good on me made me feel good. But becoming a lower weight didn't magically solve everything:

Fear of Loose Clothes: Since I was skinny, I still didn't want to wear oversized T-shirts. Early images of me looking fat flashed in my mind. So I started wearing tight dresses because it made me feel "safe."
Sizing Anxiety: Sometimes comments from people saying a certain size suited me got to me. Not all shops have the same sizing, so when a size was bigger than my regular one, it bothered me. I felt I always had a "big frame" and obsessed over small things like big hips and face fat.
Extreme Undereating: When I settled into my job in Bangalore, I installed health apps. An idle mind is a devil's mind, and it worked like that for me. I ate below 1,000 calories a lot of times. I extended meal gap times thinking I should be hungry, and berated myself for thinking about food all the time.

Yet, despite dropping weight, my belly fat still bothered me. Undereating did neither reduce my weight nor my belly loss.

Then, a routine health check revealed I had low blood pressure. I finally realized how my extreme food habits were making me feel physically.

Finding True Balance and Sustainability

That was the moment I started fixing my approach:

Proper Nutrition: I started eating meals at regular time periods and ensured I was never starving.
Strength Training & Research: I genuinely researched why my belly fat wasn't reducing and realized it takes a combination of good diet and strength training. I joined reddit fitness communities, bought a weighing machine for food, tracked macros (protein and fiber), and started lifting weights.
No Extreme Bans: I understood that avoiding junk completely made it worse. Now I eat junk once in a while, but make sure it isn't continuous.
Joyful Movement: I walk daily and love doing it rather than viewing it as just exercise. Completing a walk or workout makes me feel accomplished even on bad days.

What I Want You to Take Away

Nowadays, I stop looking at weighing machines, nor do I look at myself continuously in mirrors. I have become more accepting of oversized shirts, pants, and tight dresses alike. Fitness became a sustainable lifestyle, and weight loss became secondary as I started liking my new habits more.

I don't know if I am completely over my insecurities yet, but I realized berating myself for simple cravings or genuine hunger will not solve anything.

My one advice to anyone reading this:

Start being healthy one step at a time: Don't overstress or overburden yourself. Results can be extremely slow sometimes.
Don't cut out everything you love: Do not restrict yourself to extremes.
Focus on health, not dictation: Exercise or diet—it is all for a healthy body and a healthy life. Don't let it dictate who you are.

lakshmi

Everyday with Mikasa